Funny Humorous and Love Quotes .

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. – Joan Crawford

It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up. – Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. – Joan Rivers

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. – Jonathan Carroll

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along. – Joyce Brothers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. – Katharine Hepburn

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one. – La Rochefoucauld

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. – Lily Tomlin

The only people who make love all the time are liars. – Louis Jordan

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. –Natalie Wood

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman. – Oscar Wilde

Love is a grave mental disease. – Plato

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with? – Rita Rudner

Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate. – Sandra J. Dykes

All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems. – Shelley Winters

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. – Steve Martin

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all. – Thomas Hardy

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions. – Tommy Dewar

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. – W. Somerset Maugham

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. –Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best. – Woody Allen

Funny Life Quotes .

“The road to success is always under construction.”

“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” – Franklin P. Jones

“I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.”

“Tell someone there are 300 billion stars in the universe and they’ll believe you. Tell them a bench has wet paint on it and they’ll have to touch it to be sure.” –Murphy’s Law

“If you think something small can’t make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.”

“The only time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it’s holding a parking ticket.”

“How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?”

“How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?” – Christy Whitehead

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” – Robert McCloskey

“The next time you think you’re perfect, try walking on water.”

“Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.”

“Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.”

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

“Bad decisions make good stories.”

“How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?” – François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”

“People who snore always fall asleep first.”

“The trouble with, “A place for everything and everything in its place” is that there’s always more everything than places.” – Robert Brault

“No one is listening until you pass gas.”

“Life was so much easier when your clothes didn’t match and boys had cooties!”

“You’ve reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.”

Funny Motivational Quotes .

- “Some people develop a wish bone where their back bone should be.” –Unknown

- “Some people not only expect opportunity to knock, they expect it to beat down the door.” – Unknown

- “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” – Ambrose Bierce

- “Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.” – W. C. Fields

- “Success comes in cans, failure in can’ts.” – Unknown

- “Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.” – Earl Nightingale

- “The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.” – Arthur C. Clarke

- “The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.” – Robert Frost

- “The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.” – Al Neuharth

- “The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Unknown

Funny Humorous and Love Quotes .

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. – Joan Crawford

It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up. – Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. – Joan Rivers

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. – Jonathan Carroll

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along. – Joyce Brothers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. – Katharine Hepburn

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one. – La Rochefoucauld

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. – Lily Tomlin

The only people who make love all the time are liars. – Louis Jordan

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. –Natalie Wood

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman. – Oscar Wilde

Love is a grave mental disease. – Plato

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with? – Rita Rudner

Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate. – Sandra J. Dykes

All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems. – Shelley Winters

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. – Steve Martin

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all. – Thomas Hardy

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions. – Tommy Dewar

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. – W. Somerset Maugham

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. –Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best. – Woody Allen

Hommer Simpsons Quotes .

- “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like……love!”
- “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.”
- “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding,«You’re making a scene.»”
- “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.”
- “How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”

- “All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”

- “Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”

- “If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.”

- “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”

- “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”

- “If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?”

- “I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!”

- “Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all.”

- “Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.”

- “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

Funny Men QuotesF

- “My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.” – Tim Allen
- “The more I know about men the more I like dogs.” – Gloria Allred
- “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house.” – Jean Kerr
- “Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.” – Maryon Pearson
- “I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance — a sharp, vindictive glance.” – James Thurber
- “Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.” – Oscar Wilde
- “The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.” – Jeanne-Marie Roland
- “On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.” – Bruce Willis
- “Why can’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them!” – Kathy Lette
- “Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” – Kathy Lette
- “Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.” – Kathy Lette
- “Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.” – Will Rogers
- “Man has will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes